Looks like it is already December again. Time really flies, doesn't it? As you might have known, I have been back from my holidays about more than a week ago yet it took me this long to be writing again. Perhaps, what I wanted to say about my holidays have been adequately summarized my brother. If you want to take a look, here is his address. www.edmosphere.blogspot.com. You will find his way of writing very different from what I would have written but nevertheless, I guess there won't be much of a difference anyway.
Been occupied with my 'duties', participating in some events. We had a handicraft day and a pre-Christmas celebration recently. The former went well I think. Managing children can be tough. Now, I understand why my GP teacher said she would never want to be a kindergarten teacher. Even with my own experience managing primary school children, in this handicraft event, I was totally beaten hands down. Despite this, I think we have done what we could have done to make the event a success. That alone is a huge relief.
The latter event was messy but well done. I guess there is no way to prevent the 'messy' part especially when hundreds of people flocked into a regular-sized hall about three badminton courts in width and length. I was quite taken aback by the organizers of this event. Why? Because it seemed that I was pleased with what they came up with, after all, I had not been much of a help then. They bought the beautiful decorations, the cute prizes and all. To top it all, everyone was well occupied to attend to the massive number of visitors and guests. Maybe, this is what they call 'teamwork'. The aftermath, well, of course, we were exhausted and out of gas. But it has been fun.
A few months back, I have been feeling somewhat 'different'. Not because of the tiring events or busy schedule. I felt as if everyone should just let me drift away. I feel kind of bad that people try to include me when I'm the one who is excluding myself from them. Too introverted? Too unexpressive? Too cold? I don't know... I don't think there are people who can put up with what I have been going through. Maybe, I'm just used to being lonely. Or just used to having a few people around. Maybe, I cannot give the kind of friendship others provide. Maybe, I don't know how to love people enough. And so, I will eventually hurt them in small ways or another. So, I always keep my distance... even though I may like that person and want their company. Therefore, I think everyone should just let me drift away...with the songs and melodies ringing in my ears, in my deep thoughts so that they won't be hurt. Loneliness can be comforting and hurting at the same time, just like those songs I love listening to...
I had a friend who tried to cheer me up with her words of encouragement penned on a little slip of paper. She would have thought I have thrown it away but I still have it nicely folded and safe. I could not express it to her what I'm going through and I knew, it must have been hurtful to see someone who was once a friend, ignoring, not talking to each other again. If I recalled correctly, she sent me a message that she would still be a friend to me although we hardly talk. I recalled her 'smiley faces' drawn on my notes, the laughters we had, the days we were friends... Those days that I could never go back to. I don't think she will ever understand why I'm being this way. And I deeply regret that I won't be able to bring myself to being a friend I was once to her. I don't think I can ever say this straight in her face because it will hurt her even more. I guess this kind of friendship is difficult to understand. But it is alright, I will brave the storm even though I'm hurting inside too.
I guess the meaning of my name "protector", has something to do with what I'm experiencing. If my hurt can protect or keep those dear to me, then it is worth being hurt. Just like in my primary school years, there was once I ended up being hurt by many for the sake of a friend. I rather not talk about it though.
This song,"I Think I Love You" is one of those that gives me comfort and hurt too. And I'm drifting in it...so let me drift away...
