Some may have noticed why I have not posted for so long. There is a reason why I have waited for this time to write this post. For the past few weeks I have managed to get away from people, just to be alone for a while as I feel the need to. Why? Well, it is because I sometimes feel insecure being around people. I find peace without company and by just taking my time to contemplate helps me to reflect. During this time, I began to observe people around me, as I imagine myself being invisible in front of them. Just by observing the trivial things, I have learnt to open my eyes on issues such as ignorance, betrayal, pride, love, desperation, loyalty, angst and joy. So, I took the initiative to just be quiet to listen to what people say and observe their every move. I did all these to prepare myself for 'this day'.
I realized that I'm doing this to search my inner self. I thought that by 'vanishing', I could make people unaware of my absence. I thought that by being 'mute', I could listen as people reveal their usual self that I tend to ignore. So basically, I was trying to make people forget that I wasn't there all along, that I was invisible, that I was non-existent. You may wonder why? Well, it is something I cannot describe till you decide to give up the feeling of security being noticed by those around you. But one thing I can say through this, it takes great courage to give up conformity to find peace and tranquility in solitude.
It so happen to me that 19 years of living allow me to see the finer details of life. All the good and bad things I encounter every single day. People always say that we have to live interdependently, that no individual can survive by himself. Personally, reliance is a form of complacency but an important factor of trust. However, many only understand the latter more than the former. Thus far, I have relied on myself as best as I could have done. So, when people try to make me feel better when I am feeling down, or when people organize some surprises for me, I feel that I have indirectly relied on them to lift my spirits high. I do feel as if I owe them something for giving me that extra concern and appreciation. Perhaps, that is why I do not look forward to 'this day' while others celebrate it with so much happiness.
Strange as you may call me, it is one of those things that makes people like me and you, different. You look at one angle whilst I look at the other. You define loneliness in a negative light while I make use of it to re-evaluate my very existence. I just have one question for you, "How do you prove we exist?..Maybe we don't exist." Before you answer this question, ponder on every word and come up with a complex, matured explanation.
Just one note as I end this entry, "I only have myself to rely on..."
2 comments:
hi.. i cant help feeling troubled by this post. i could have misunderstood some parts of it, but i really want to assure you that depending on others does not deny your existance. its not wrong, because similiarly other people depend on you. and you shouldnt feel like you owe other people something.... how do i say this? its bad. well, maybe you could do something for their birthdays too. happy belated birthday william!! [wait, "this day" IS refering to your birthday right............]
Hi anonymous. Firstly i'd like you to introduce yourself so that i can provide more profound answer. Anyways, here is what i've got to say. You are right. I'm currently battling some internal conflict that i myself should face. I just feel that i cannot depend on others too much or trust them wholeheartedly anymore at where i'm today...I keep few but good friends. Mainly from primary and secondary school days. I don't want anyone to throw me surprises that i do not need. I view birthdays as just any other day where i can just sit down and have dinner with my family. I know some people value thier birthday so much that they are willing to throw some lavish partying like those on MTV My Super Sweet Sixteen Birthday. True friends do not celebrate birthdays with you, they do not give presents, they offer frienship, memories, aid when you need them most and appreciate you as a person. They are willing to stand by what you believe in and voice out their support to those who are against you. That is all i need not celebration / surprises of my birthday. To me, well wishes is just fine so long as you mean what you say not because others are doing so. That way i will know that i do not owe people anything much. And i can reply their appreciation and gestures in a similar manner. There's a saying that goes like this, "You just need to find 5 good friends in life before you lay on your deathbed. If so, you have lived a fulfilling life." The term good friends have a special meaning to it. Who amongst your friends would attend your funeral and truly treasure you through your living days till then, to turn up and express their sense of loss. Not many... I can assure you that. That is all and thanks for posting your comment.
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