Love Will Find Its Way...

The time has finally come, it was abrupt but both of them must have known that it was now or never. They have been friends for five even years. Feelings did develop ever since they met but neither was ready to express them. And so they waited, they kept their feelings deep inside. Their friends tried every means to get them together but all of them were unfruitful. It all started at the school bus stop. He was waiting anxiously for the bus to come. When it arrived, she appeared and got in his way. Knowing that she was his classmate, he let her board the bus first, he thought that he should behave as a gentleman even though he was just a tender, thirteen year old boy. Things developed ever since. In classroom, he would look her from his seat. Though he sat right behind her, never did once they had a good chat or a simple ‘hi’. The boy thought that it was all his infatuation. But his perception changed after a trip downtown.

The class went on a field trip. One of his friends told him that someone had a crush on him. First person he thought was her. However, he began to doubt the news. He noticed her from afar and true enough she was not smiling. In fact, she looked sad. From there, he knew that someone else was into him. But he asked himself, why she appeared down; there is no reason for her to feel that way if there was nothing going on between them.

There was a time when she tried to talk to him, to socialize perhaps. But he walked away briskly. He thought to himself that if he were to talk to her, he might end up blurting out what he felt towards her. In her mind, his ignorance towards her equates to dislike. Time went by, he noticed her many times waiting for the bus home and he would lean against a cross-stitched fence, watching her from afar. He did not care if she even bothered to see him or not. He thought that if she saw him, at least he got noticed, if she did not, maybe she just did not know he was there all along. And of course, they rarely talked though months have passed. He knew that the end of the month was her birthday and he got this reliable information from a guy who shared the same birthday as her. On her birthday, the class sang a birthday song to her. And he did give her a present and a simple birthday card. Plucking up courage to give a girl who he rarely talked to seemed odd to his classmates. And this could only mean one thing, rumours about the two of them.

Their friends would tease them that she liked him or he liked her and sometimes both liked each other discreetly. It spread fast, all thanks to him for daring himself to approach her. And this went on till his birthday. He received a note and a pen from her. In her note, she mentioned that she was thankful for the gift she received and congratulating him for his birthday. He was grateful though he never expected a present on his birthday. After all, how would she know about it? A few days after, the class was made to stay back by the teacher during recess. She talked about relationship, advising the students that this point of time, students’ duty was to study first before having a boy-girl relationship. He wondered if she knew about the strange going-on between him and the girl he liked.

He believed that one day; something might just happen, empowering him to say what he wanted to say. Sadly, that day never came. All he could do was thinking about her, watching her from afar, never took the initiative to do the basics of socializing. Maybe that was what he lacked. All these while, he could write things about her but when it came to speaking up; he just froze. It was his feelings that made words harder to be spoken. He was unable to hide it but he wanted to keep it from her. He feared one thing, rejection. He would rather hurt himself inside living in his own dreams that she probably liked him than finding out that she did not feel what he felt. To her, it may sound stupid and totally ridiculous but that was his character. Introverted, cowardly, childish could be what she thought about him.

To him, stealing a glance or two was enough. Sometimes when they bumped into each other, smiles were carved. No special words were spoken, just a grin and some blushes in their faces. Soon after, they would get away quickly, erasing their tracks so that others would not know. However, one day, he decided to take his chance. He was determined to take her picture, so that he would have a part of her when he returned home. He successfully got what he wanted, a picture of her with her father. He placed it safely in a frame and allowed it to stand on his desktop. His friends were shocked when he approached her father to take a picture. They just never thought that he was bold enough when others would give it a pass. He earned his friends respect from then on.

There was once this classmate of them tried to get in the way between them. She was the daughter of a teacher and he heard that she got a crush on him. He was never interested in her so when she tried to have a chat with him, he would find every means of way to get away as quickly as he could. She was persistent to find ways to talk to him and somehow she got the wrong date of his birthday. So when her gift arrived, it was long overdue. He would sometimes laugh when he recalled how she responded when he told her that she got the wrong date. But the most critical moment was when he heard that the girl he liked no longer had feelings towards him. He guessed that it must have been karma for not talking to her more often. He figured that all she wanted was to get to know each other better but the wait proved to be too long.

Another event was when another classmate of theirs had a rather, easy-going conversation with her. He would talk as if no one was watching and joked around to amuse her. It was his rival ever since he enrolled into the school. His rival topped the class annually and he had never got closer to beating him academically. To him, this rivalry was no longer about academic performance but also included getting her attention. But what could he do, just by watching them laughing away from afar, the rumour of her having lost the feeling seemed to be more vivid. Perhaps he was kind of envious that he had never had such a friendly conversation with her all these while. His friends told him that it was just a conversation and he would soon get over it. And he did, somehow as he just ignoring what was right in front of his eyes.

What she did not know was one of his friends actually took the trouble to draw a portrait of her. He too was infatuated. Right after recess, he would sit a distance away from her and with him was his trusted pencil and eraser which he thought would create a masterpiece of her portrait. He truly felt so useless. This guy was not even good with his art and yet was giving his best to draw her and what he was doing made him think that he had actually never done anything special to her. There was once he wanted to buy a flower for her but he held back. All because a part of him was telling him that it would make the two of them feel so embarrassed that they would never be able to face the class anymore if he were to hand the flower right in front of the class on the last day of their primary school days. Although the impact if he really did that would certainly change the course of their future for the better, he just could not bear to put her in a spot to willingly accept the farewell gift. That day, the class took a final class photo which he still kept till today.

He recalled those days when he had time luxury of time to talk to her on several occasion but let them slipped away right through his fingers. How he regretted that. He was determined to change his old ways and start to grow up, stop living in his own world and to step forward and venture to the unknown.

End of the year came and both of them made it to the school of their choice. But, that was when the road started to split. He thought that it was all over, he had wasted so many opportunities to say what his heart wanted to. However, the unexpected happened, time and again after going on their separate ways, they would meet once in a blue moon. To him, it was something he could never think of. Is the world that small? Time flew. He was more open this time, at least able to talk to her. She grew up as well, learnt to treat him just like a friend. He knew that she treated him so differently compared to when she talked to her friends. At times, he would email to her or chat online. He made her laugh, smile, feel curious and more. He even tried to win her heart slowly though it was sometimes too obvious. He had always thought that perhaps only words can reach her. Through words, he made dreams come alive, made feelings known and made her somehow feel attracted to him in one way or another. It was just his thoughts and not reality. In reality, he never knew what she was really thinking. It could be that she was just pretending or did not care at all. She could be just toying with his heart or slowly telling him to give it up. He only believed that she was being honest when she said things either good or bad about him and herself. He trusted his instinct that she would one day felt what he felt. Such was his mere, random thoughts that made him believe in himself that he should keep going. They once promised to tell each other what they felt the next time they were face to face. This time he was confident that they were more than friends, something more than friends which he could not express.

That day came a few years later. They chatted as he walked her home one night. Discussed about life, school, future goals but one topic that hinted him that it was time was relationship. He did not know what made her suddenly asked him about it because all these while never had she come up to discuss about the most sensitive subject for teens. Perhaps she thought that it was his due time; time to let everything go after holding on to keep things sweet and simple as more than friends for so long. She wanted to know the truth and tell her his side of the story. Just before she stepped on her doorstep, he confessed. He told her that all about him liking her since those childhood days were true. He told her that all those gifts he gave were not tools to make her fall for him. They were given because he just wanted to willingly present someone a part of himself. He told her everything. He confessed his feelings that he held on dear to all these while to her. It must have been pressurizing for her to finally learn everything she had to know. She remained silent for some time, allowing time to stand still after hearing what his heart had wanted to express to her. She plucked up courage to tell him what she wanted to say, just like she promised to him. She said, “Don’t wait for me.” Those four simple words were enough to numb his heart and slowly piercing right into his weakest spot. He asked himself, “So, is this what she has been trying to say? Could she have been pretending all these while? Is she telling the truth? Is she really listening to her heart or has her mind dominated her feelings? Perhaps she wants to end it this way? But why did she say that?” His heart did tear apart just like that. But no matter how tried to appear strong, deep down he was bleeding to the core. He just did not expect the worst case scenario. What happened to those laughs, smiles and blushes? Were all of those fake? Five years he was kept in the dark only to be told to quit. He was out of words to reply. At last he said, “Alright” with hopes dashed within that short moment. To her, she might think that he must have got the idea and seemed to follow her desire. But in actual fact, he was felt something was amiss.

“Why would it take her so difficult to say that? Could it be that she did not want to hurt me directly? But how can that be, what is wrong with her? Shouldn’t this end up in a positive light?” he continued to question himself. He asked her to look him right deep into his eyes and tell him that she wanted him out of her life. But she could not bring herself to do it. She must have felt guilt that it brought her so much pain to say it. She tried to appear strong but in his mind, he kept holding on to believe that what she said was never true. He thought that she would probably regretted saying that and would drown herself in her tears as she closed the door, slowly fading him from her sight. It looked as if it was not meant to be another fairy tale happy ending in reality. He finally understood the pain. He left after fetching her home through the halcyon of the hurtful night. One question remained, was it really what her heart that wanted to tell him that he was never had a special place in corner of her heart?

The following night he visited her again. Just like the day before, she appeared cold without warmth. He looked at her and told her, “About yesterday night, you told me not to wait for you. It must have been difficult for you. One thing I learn, if I have to wait for you for another hundred years, I’ll wait…” She remained silent, not knowing what to say. He thought that she probably was thinking something like, “Why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you understand? Why won’t you leave? Didn’t you hear what I said yesterday? Are you serious?” He told her, “If you have something to say right now, just say it; just let your heart say it.” But she did not reply. After waiting for some time, killing time in silence, he thought that maybe she really cannot give him the feeling that he gave her. He told her that he shall take his leave since he thought she probably has made up her mind. In his heart, he had hoped she would change her mind as he walked away. Instead she shouted, “All the best.” If only he understood what she meant. If only she knew about the message he left behind on the photo he had always dreamed of, to be captured in the same frame with her, just the two of them. He could not help but to walk away, hiding his tears so that she could walk away without having to worry about him. Though he picked himself up on his way home, the scar remained. Could this be the end of the road?

Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow or the day after, maybe it will never happen. But he knew that somewhere in her heart, she was aching as she watched him leave, slowly fading away, just like the sun setting on the distant horizon, over the ocean. Like the one he had pictured his mind, if only there was an opportunity to spend an evening by the beach with her, watching the sun sending its beautiful rays on the water surface, reflecting a kaleidoscope. That picturesque would certainly make the words he wanted to say more meaningful, more alive as he looked right deep into her sparkling pair of eyes. Maybe the time will come, not tomorrow, not the day after, maybe they have to wait for another hundred years when love has found its way and crossed their fate, to be part of their lives.

Love is a beautiful feeling, but it cannot be forced. Love needs time and maybe this is not the time yet. Love will find its way through time and time only; that was why he would wait till the end of time if he had to. “If I have to wait for another hundred years, I’ll wait for you…” as the words lingered in his ears.

This story was inspired by “More Than Words” by BBmak.