It is almost here, my time is nearly over and that will be my journey's end. So here I am contemplating on the past, thinking if I have done to the best of my abilities. I asked myself if I have been a leader or merely and blindly following orders from my superiors. So many questions I cannot answer but time will not wait. Soon the successors will replace the 'old guards' and our chapter will come to a close almost immediately. Am I prepared to let go? The truth is no matter what I try, I can never let go of the past.
Last year, I was given a job to do, a job that I never really wanted to have. And so I began to do my job to an extent that I would give up many things in order to do my job well. I have lost many things along the way. I lost my friends, my freedom and my feelings. My sense of duty was the root of all these losses. But now, when the time comes for me to be free from these chains, I felt that I want to remain this way. Regrets? No, I guess I was partly to blame, I did not savour the moments, I did not live life to its fullest. I have lost so many things and now I'm left with nothing but myself. I'm not trying to pity my current state, I just want to let myself know where I am today and how do I proceed from here on. My final moments, I want them to be meaningful just like it used to be "To finish what I started" so that at least when I leave, I shall bear no burden.
A friend of mine said that I should not think too much that it will only make one feels sad. Frankly speaking, I do feel some kind of despair as I write this entry but if feeling sad makes one stronger emotionally, then when sadness do occur, I would be able to guard my feelings, I won't feel so sad. Selfish thoughts perhaps? Maybe. Speaking of friends, I do not have plenty. Friends are just friends when you are happy, when you are sad. And in the end, you are left with nothing but yourself. Introvert, anti-social, individualistic? I guess I can live with people branding me as such because no one can be liked by everyone.
People want to be accepted, a form of seeking refuge from loneliness, but if your shelther is taken away, you are left with nothing and are likely to seek a new place for conformity. That is why, interdependence is such a powerful tool that binds us together so that it can conquer loneliness. We may not like each other but so long as you help me and I help you, we are alright. Sometimes, I do wonder, is being lonely that bad that it can drive one on the verge of insanity just like in the movie "Cast Away"?
Sigh, another bleak entry filled with random, sorrowful stuff. This always happens when I think too much, trying to explain the unexplainable. Maybe I should just stop thinking...
Sorry to ruin your perfectly beautiful day if you do have one before reading this.
3 comments:
hi william, im really glad u updated. its through all these entries tt i can find out the little happenings in ur life. =)
to me, life is never about regrets. i believe u've done your best to whatever task given to you, and in fact the success of fulfilling ur duty has resulted from certain sacrifices tt u made. knowing that, im very proud of you as a fellow psl, and even as a friend. dun regret the path you've taken, keep the memories uve gotten close to your heart. this is because many years down the road, even if we are to end up with nothing, these memories of our life will be the ones which has shaped us into who we are.
And of cos, dun ever despair. u are never alone. There are many people, who consider themselves as ur frenz [including me!]. we're just like stars..u don't always see us, but just know tt we are always gonna be there for you.
keep in touch! :)
Thanks Caroline.
welcome back to tj! =) many thanks for coming!
Post a Comment